Labor Day Weekend in Portland

Portlandia: Take II

Well, for those of you who know me, you know I've always got this insatiable itch to get away. So I decided to take full advatage of the long holiday weekend, and visit my wonderful friend, Marianne in her fun and quirky city! Portland: where hipsters abound, and young people go to retire.



I flew in late on Thursday night, and was met by Marianne and her boyfriend, Ryan (AKA Ralph :) where we finished the evening catching up over local craft beers, while Ralph sipped his whisky from a coffee cup! Friday morning, I woke up to a fantastic breakfast feast! How wonderful to be able to eat fresh food from your own backyard! We had wonderful home-made roasted-peach scones, and omlet's stuffed with with goat cheese, delicious sweet cherry tomatos, roasted peppers and onions, made mostly with fresh veggies from the garden, and with the freshest eggs right from the hens behind the house! The last time I was in Portland, it was winter, so this was an entirely different experience :)

I think this one's name is Nancy...

The magnificent Blue Moon

After copious amounts of coffee and afternoon pedicures, we loaded up the car and took a little roadtrip to Corvallis to visit Marianne's friend, Pavel. Once there, we made a fantastic mexican dinner and drank local brews by the firepit in the back yard, & witnessed the Blue-Moon. Apparently those are pretty spectacular and equally rare, however it looked just like a regular moon to us! The next morning we were up early for a wonderful drive along the PCH down the Oregon coast.  The Oregon coast is so wonderful with crashing waves against the rocky shore line! There were hundreds of little eddy's where little tadpoles and anemonies could be found! We went to a couple different beaches, and would have had a fantastic picnic on the shore, except someone *AHEM, Pavel!* forgot the food on the kitchen counter (we somehow managed the the cooler with beer though, haha :) We finished the night in Newport, where we watched the sea-lions at sunset and had dinner in the quaint little coastal town. It was such a wonderful day, with wonderful friends, and one that I will remember for a long long time :)

This place was meant for me :)

catching tadpoles :)

My sweet friend

breath-taking!

Bringing a little bit of CO to OR with a Fat Tire

So serene.

I just LOVE this picture!

Just giving Ralph a piggy-back ride :) Don't worry, I got this!

Playing in the sand

Sunday night we got to spend time with some of my other fantastic friends, Alexe and Eric! We met up at an art festival downtown, where we saw the filming of The Real World Portland, and were informed that Alexe and Eric's puppy, Whidbey, will make a cameo appearance on the episode, because he's just so darn cute! We then proceeded into the evening with food and drinks at various places downtown, and made our way to a micro sour-beer brewary! Alexe's brother, Pat met up with us at the end of the night, and we had a fun time laughing at our slight height difference :)

The cast of "The Real World, Portland

The star of the show, Whidbey!

Drinks at stop #2

Cascade Brewery - - Sour Beer!!

Alexe, and Marianne :)

Alexe's brother, Pat. (a little height difference...)

Monday (Labor Day) was spent walking around downtown with Marianne and Ryan, and enjoying my final hours in town. Portland is such a wonderful, quirky city and I just can't wait to go back! It is somewhat similar to Colorado, but vastly different with the greenery and the rolling hills! Some of my favorite people call Portland 'home' now, and  therfore I like to think that I have a little bit of 'home' in Portland!

Food carts EVERYWHERE! You don't see that in Denver!

As always signing off; farewell, Porland! Until next time :)

Keep Calm and Carry On

It's been 10 years since you left us. I can't really begin to start with how mind-blowing this fact is. I miss you all day, every day; some days it's so much I feel like I can't even breathe. But somehow, I do. I have. I will continue. A decade. How is it, that a decade can seem like an eternity, yet seem like just yesterday? I've never bothered to try to make any sense of any of this, because let's face it, that would just be a huge waste of time. In fact, if I'm being honest, I've tried to just pretend like it never happened at all. In the end, the only person I was fooling was myself. I've so desperately tried to have a "normal" life the last10 years, but it is pretty evident that nothing will ever be normal for me. I am feeling so lost and so stuck in life lately, and I know the reason why.  My life was so dramatically altered and shifted off course on that dreadful day in August. You were my best friend, my everything. I hated being separated from you for more than a day. The day you left me for good was the day I died and became someone else. I’ve done my best to do well for myself and for sister, and I think I’ve done a pretty good job so far, but I am so terrified about the future.  There are so many ‘normal’ life progressions for people that are so foreign to me, and I don’t even have you here to talk about them with. For instance; will I ever get married? I’m 27 years old and I’ve never even dated a man whom I’ve been able to tell out loud, “my mom died when I was 17.” Will I ever be able to do that? And If I do, who is going to help me shop for wedding gowns, or give me advice on how to make a marriage work?  I can’t even begin to imagine standing in a bridal shop without you there, or walking down the aisle without you there beside me, telling me how pretty I look in my gown, and assuring me that I will be a good wife. It kills me that I will never get to bring a man home to meet my wonderful and beautiful mom. I am so thankful that I had the BEST example of a loving marriage that you and Dad showed us. But who is going to tell me what things are really like behind closed doors, and hashing out your differences on the everyday stuff from balancing finances, to picking out paint colors…. And worse, the idea of having kids. I can’t even begin to imagine going through a pregnancy and birth without you there holding my hand. If I ever do have kids, who’s going to come and stay with me for a month and show me what to do? How will I ever know the things to do and say to be a good mom? I know that you were the best at being a mom, but let’s face it; back then I wasn’t exactly taking notes. The thought of having children who will never know their grandmother, and just how extraordinary you were, breaks my heart.

I’ve had this ever-growing intense jealousy when I look at my friends and other women my age, who have such wonderful relationships with their mothers. They go shopping together, out to lunches together, and talk about life.  They are at the age when they finally get to become best friends with their moms. I know how lucky I am that we already had that relationship ahead of the curve of time, but it still doesn’t soften the pain that I feel when it is everywhere around me. Aside from my sister, I am the only girl I know without a mother. It’s excruciatingly lonely not having you to talk to every day, and always being so aware of the missing piece in my life. Not to mention, it’s exhausting, having to put on a good face every day, showing the world that I’m okay, proving that just because bad things happen to good people, it does NOT give anyone an excuse to be an asshole. And trying to pretend that I don’t need anything from anybody; because I really don’t.  Just you.

My biggest fear in life is that I am going to end up alone and bitter. The past 10 years were relatively easy to get through….I always had something major in life to distract me: finishing high school, college, finding a job, moving, moving, and moving, running a marathon, and moving again…. But now that I’ve somewhat plateaued and the dust is settling, I find myself becoming closed off and putting up walls. I don’t like it when people get too close to me. I don’t know why. I think it’s because no matter what people say, it’s uncomfortable to talk with “the girl who’s mom died”. It’s uncomfortable for people when I cry in front of them, and I’ve never been very good dealing with making people uncomfortable. I don’t like to subject myself to that kind of vulnerability, and most of all, I don't want anyone feeling sorry for me.  Boyfriends are a whole other topic. How do I ever explain that pain of the hole in my heart? And that sometimes I just cry out of the blue for really no reason at all? That really freaks them out. 

 

I see you everywhere. I see you in the stranger’s faces walking down the street. I see you in airports, I see you in the Cotty Airspun Powder at the drugstore and the little red Maybeline eyeliner pen that you used to wear that I keep in my makeup bag.  Everytime I see tulips, and especially when a ladybug lands on me, I know it’s you. Sometimes I even smell you. I don’t even know the scent, I just know it’s you. I desperately wish I could say that I see you when I look in the mirror, but I don’t. I see you mostly when I look at my sister. Everyone always used to say that I looked so much like you, but really, it’s almost scary how much Laurie is the spittingimage of your face. I look at her and catch my breath sometimes. And it kills me how little that precious girl knows of her look-alike. She never had the time that I got with you. Yet it’s strange how much of you she has. No one knows me like my sister. No one can calm the way she can. It’s so comforting to know how much of you is passed on through her.

 

Life is hard, Mom. So much harder than I ever thought it would be, and compounded by the fact that you’re not here to help me out. I miss you in a way that nobody can ever comprehend, including myself.  All I know, is that I am so thankful for you. You were really the best, and I always knew it. I am so thankful for everything you ever taught me, and mostly, I am so thankful for the way you loved me. You were always my biggest fan. You were always the first one to encourage me and tell me that I am great, and that I can do anything I want. You taught me how to be strong, and face adversity. You taught me that even when I feel completely alone, I can always turn to God. Without fail, you told me every single day of the first seventeen years of my life, how much you loved me. And not only told me, but your actions proved it. And for all of that, I am the luckiest girl in the world to have had the best momma I could have had. I will keep trying to adhere to the little lessons that you taught me. I will ALWAYS look out for my sweet baby sister, whom I love more than life itself.  I will continue to try my best to make you proud, and be the good girl that you taught me to be.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I love you, Momma. May you rest in peace, and just like they prayer you used to say
with us every single night: “May the angels guard you and keep you.”

Rocky Mt. EPIC Relay: Nothin But Dust!

This summer was the time that I had completed the most intense, endurance-requiring, athletic event of my life. I thought training and running a marathon was going to be my biggest feat I'd ever set out to do, and that running a relay broken down into 3-8 mile legs would be a piece of cake…but boy was I wrong!

July 20 at 4:00am our team, “Nothin But Dust” set out on the road for our truly epic experience!  We had 191 miles to the finish line, and an amazing ultra-team of 6 people: Our team captain, Eric Sova, Jane Peacock-Pizem, her brother Matt Peacock, and two new friends from CO Springs, Phil Wortmann and Joseph Rodriguez.

Phil set off the pace with his 8mile leg up and over the hills from Canon City. Back trails and dirt roads in the brutal heat of the day, lead us deeper and deeper into uncharted territories. I was the 4th runner on the team. My first 6 mile leg went well, and our team was setting up for a great pace! As the day continued on and we fought through the uphills and increasing heat, it felt like the finish line was nowhere in sight! My next 2 legs were extremely difficult, as I gained 886 and 587 feet of vertical ascent respectively, over the short distances of less than 3 miles. It seemed easy enough, and I was truckin along, until all of a sudden it seemed like I could not pick up my feet to make it up and over those hills! But thankfully, somehow I managed. I was ready for a break!

The lovely road ahead

Joseph passing off to Matt



"How ya doin, buddy?"

The girls :)



Stopping for ICE!!!!



Our team Captain, Eric, comin in HOT!



Phil passing the torch to Joseph

The fourth leg I had was a much welcomed break with a short distance over a flat, paved course, just as the sun was setting. At this point, we were on the familiar highway between Salida and Buena Vista.  Jane finished the highway leg and led our team into town. Joseph and Matt strongly led us up and over Cottonwood Pass, and it was up to me to get us down.

Right before my last leg of Day1

Pausing for a quick midnight pic at the summit of Cottonwood Pass!

It was so very cold and so very early the next morning as I began my 8 mile leg down the western side of Cottonwood Pass. It was about 2:30 am, and my body was exhausted. At this point, we had been up for about 22 hours, and the full effect and fatigue from the previous day was starting to set in. [It seemed like it would be pretty easy to run 3-8 mile distances with a few hours of breaks in between, but we never really had time to fully recover before it was time to run again.] My dim headlamp was barely enough light to see ahead on the dark, dirt road. I began to slow down dramatically, and my knee was really giving me grief. I began to lose confidence as more runners began to pass me. I had about 3 miles of this leg left to go, and I had a little melt down. I found myself alone, in the dark at 3am, utterly exhausted and in pain. What are you doing? This is nuts? Why are you doing this? Because I can!!!! I pulled myself together and managed to make it down to the end of my leg and found comfort in my teammates and a warm van. I was able to get a couple hours of sleep, and before I knew it, the sun was up and HOT and it was my last leg.



Six. More. Miles. It was a familiar road, one that I’d driven countless times when I lived in Crested Butte. I set out, and managed about 2miles down the road, and then the walking set in. I had made it to the main highway, and I could see the beautiful, welcoming sight of my favorite place in the world. The place that I once called home, and the place that I hope to call home once more in the future. I could see the glorious peaks of the mountains of Crested Butte. My legs were tired, my knee was hurting, and it was almost all I could to do even walk at this point. But I willed myself to finish. Honestly, if it had only been up to me I would have quit a long time ago! But my team was doing so incredibly well, and I refused to give up when 5 other people were relying on me to finish. My van of teammates so diligently followed me and helped me along the last couple miles with fresh cold water, and shouts of encouragement. I had about a mile and a half left to go, and I waved them to go ahead to the end. After a couple minutes of walking, and feeling like the end was still nowhere in sight, the most wonderful thing happened to me in that moment. My wonderful friend, Angela, was there on the highway, and rushed to my side! At this point, I lost it. I was crying, I was delirious, and I was just so ready to be done. She had the faith in me that I didn’t have left in myself, and that got me to the finish! I have never been so happy to see a familiar face in my entire life! It was enough to muster out any last bit of strength I had. And just like that, 28.54 miles with the blood, sweat, and tears, albeit  cliché, I had accomplished the most difficult challenge of my life.

Jane, finishing strong!

Jane and Eric finished the last 12 miles that brought our team to the finish line on Mt. Crested Butte. It was so neat to learn that we finished in first place in the co-ed ultra division, and 8^th place overall out of 52 teams, (45 of which were 12man teams).  I am so incredibly proud and honored that I was able to run with a group of such fantastic and outstanding people. I only wish I could have performed better. A little more than a week has gone by, and I'm thankful that the body has a miraculous way of forgetting pain. If, (and yes, Eric, that's a BIG If!) I decide to do this again next year, I know exactly the things that I will do differently, beginning with my training! I knew going into this that I hadn't put in the proper training required, and that I was gonna just "wing" it, and I certainly paid that price! However, this experience is one that I will truly cherish and never forget. I learned so much about myself, and my team. It was truly an incredible experience coming together as 6 individuals with such different lives and backgrounds, and sharing one common interest, and coming out with a fresh take and perspective that was learned through one another :) We started out as a group of strangers, and ended up a close group of friends. After all, you can't be stuck in a van for 30 hours without showering and discussing poop, and not be friends :)

First Place! Nothin. But. Dust...

Thoughs on Christianity and Gay Marriage--I'm all for LOVE.

First of all, I am never really one to get into political or controversial debates, mostly because I don’t really think it ever really matters debating and arguing things or ideas that don’t directly or personally involve me. However, I am going to put my 2cents in on this one.

Lately (it seems like more so than usual), there has been so much debate and argument over the controversy of gay marriage rights. WHY? Why can't people just be allowed to live happily, reguardless of whom they choose to love, and have the same rights as anyone else?? First of all, I am just going to say that I am a full believing - Jesus Saves - Christian girl. I fully believe and have faith that Jesus died on the cross for my sins that I might have eternal life with Him in Heaven. I further believe that it is the faith in Christ and my eternal after-life, that gives me the peace and assurance that I can make it through any trial or struggle here on this earth. STOP.

However, I do not believe that because of my faith, I have any right to tell other's that they are "wrong" and I am "right". I do not believe that I am any better than anyone else here on this earth, or that because people don’t believe exactly what I believe, that they won’t go to heaven, or be as  blessed in their lifetime here on this earth. I don’t believe for a second that I was put here on this earth to be the judge of that anyway.  That being said, I am so sick and tired of “Christians” judging others and purposefully causing hurt to other people in this world. So if this is you, STOP IT! You're making us all look bad! If people truly believed the Bible when the Bible says “all sin leads to death”, then they would quit worrying so much about what other people are doing and focus more on perfecting themselves. I can almost guarantee that the same people pointing fingers and making statements that gay people are sinners and going against God, are the same people who are cheating on their spouses, and getting drunk on weekends, and using the Lord’s name in vain. They are the same people who smile at you in church on Sunday, and talk badly about you behind your back on Monday. Who are they to decide which sins are worse in God’s eyes?? God says He is they only Judge, so why is everyone so hell-bent on judging everyone else? Maybe instead of passing judgment and pretending that they know best, Christians should focus more on extending love toward people and follow Christ’s example. Jesus ate dinner with thieves and prostitutes. He hung out and loved on the people that members of the church had outcast. He showed kindness and compassion.

I know and love plenty of gay people, and I know that there is NO WAY I could ever look a single one of them in the eye and tell them, “I believe you are a sinner because of the way you choose to live your life, and I don’t believe you’re going to heaven.” First of of all, even if I felt that way, (which I don't ;) it would never be my place to say. What good would that do? What would it solve? Nothing. It would just make me a judgmental person, and I would lose all trust and credibility with my friends and peers. And also, because if a sin is a sin is a sin, then that means I’ll be sitting right alongside them in hell, because I sin every day. As much as I try to be a good example of a Christian, and a good steward on this earth, I am not perfect and I never will be, and I don’t pretend to be.

And why does it affect others so much if homosexuals are able to have the same rights as a married man&woman? I don’t think that it should matter one ounce to a husband and a wife who are happily married, that a gay couple in Boston is allowed to have access to each other’s medical records. People are so focused on a “definition of a word” when there are so many BIGGER issues in this world! WAKE UP, PEOPLE! Stop worrying so much about hating other people’s actions and lifestyles, and start worrying about how to make yourself a better person.

I read somewhere in one article that a Christian was so upset about this because he felt like mankind shouldn't have the audacity to try and change God's definition of marriage. However, isn’t that what organized religions all over the world do every single day? They change their rules and definitions all the time (*and my personal favorite, they 'received testimony') to conveniently go along with their policies in their present time. If they REALLY took the bible literally, then having pierced ears would be a sin. Well, I have piercings and tattoos, and I know God still loves me. I know some denominations consider body piercings to be a sin, and they have made up ridiculous rules that woman may have 1-2 earrings per ear, any more that that would be immodest, therefore sinful. GIVE ME A BREAK! And God bless the Catholics who still serve wine at communion, and there are so many denominations that see any amount of alcohol as a sin. Did we all forget that Jesus’ first miracle was turning the water into wine at a wedding, so that the party could continue??? We can’t just cut and paste the words of the bible to line up with our own personal believes, yet so actively shun the individual who ‘has the audacity’ to try to change one single definition of a word “marriage” publicly.

As far as the politics go, I feel that it is ludicrous that government officials are the ones that are trying to tell people how to live their lives, especially in a country that was founded on the principle of the persuit of happiness.  This is not to touch on our constitutional rights, I’m gonna take it a step further and remind the Christians who are so strongly against homosexuality, that God gave people free will. How is it up to ANYBODY how other people CHOOSE to live their lives? If all the Christians banded together to put a “stop” to homosexuality, well, guess what, it’s still not going anywhere. So I would suggest that they focus their energy on leading by example and love instead of casting judgment and hate.

This is not meant to offend anybody and start a debate, so save yourselves from arguing or debating with me on this because I don’t care to debate with you. My only goal out of this is that we all start focusing on making ourselves better individuals and stop casting stones at other people. Thank God he blessed us all with our own thoughts, opinions, and a very special little thing called free-will.

I love Target! and Gay people :)

Just a Collection of Thoughts on Tragedy

It’s been 7 days since the most recent tragic incident in my lifetime has occurred, and since then I’ve had various thoughts running through my mind. The thoughts range from sadness, to anger, to fear, and back to anger. Now that a little bit of time has passed, I am training myself to have a fearless and loving attitude, and forget all of the negative feelings of anger and hate.

One week ago today, a sad and sick man decided to commit an act so heinous, so sickening, that it has left us all reeling for the days, weeks, and possibly years to come. That hot summer night when so many people were innocently out to have fun with their friends, boyfriends, and families, nobody ever thought that they would be the next victim played out like the fictitious scene unfolding on the big screen ahead of them. A regular summer night turned out to be a night we will remember for the rest of our lives.

I’ll never forget waking up at 4:00am as I was about to leave for my EPIC relay event, and opening up my Facebook page as I do every morning, to see the countless posts and newsfeeds about the “Aurora Theater Shooting.” Is this real? Someone opened fire at the Batman movie? Twelve people are dead? In my own city? Anyone I know????  So many questions of how and why that will never be answered were going non-stop in my head. Immediately I felt sick to my stomach. Even though I was miles away, tucked safely in bed at the time of the incident, I couldn’t help but feel so personally wronged. How dare some sicko come into a public place, 20 miles from my house, in a suburb of my city, in my state, from where I know so many people; and do something that “happens in other terrible places”, not here in wonderful Colorado.

It is impossible to escape the constant news coverage of this incident. It is continuously being replayed on every local channel, it is on my Facebook feed, my twitter feed, it is in the status updates of my peers, it is on the national news. It is impossible to look away from that mocking, orange-headed face with a sadistic smile. It is impossible to be submerged in this and not feel anger, fear, and hate. But I’ve decided today, in this moment, that those feelings are over.

In my 27 years, I’ve experienced so many difficult tragedies. I was sitting in Mr. Groves’ 8^th grade science class when news broke of the Columbine Massacre in my home-state 200 miles away from my own school. I was a junior in high school on my way to class when I learned of the tragic terrorist acts of 9/11. I was a senior in high school when my mother passed away.  And now, I’m a 27 year old woman making memories of this most recent tragic event in my neighboring city, where I personally know the Aurora Policemen and first responders on the scene of that chaotic nightmare.

I couldn’t help the feelings of anger and disgust; imploring God to punish this man for what he did to those innocent people, for the peace of mind he stole from the rest of us. But I’ve decided I will not let the enemy win. I will not live my life in fear and hatred. I will not become bitter and lose my faith in humanity.  If I continue to stew in those negative thoughts, I will be no better of a person than the criminal. I will not let those emotions of fear and hate live inside of me. I will continue to go about my day extending love toward my neighbors. I will continue to go to movies. I will continue to go to Jazz in the Park. I will continue to fly. I will continue to walk down my street without fearing any person walking in my general direction. I will continue to go to concerts, sporting events, and ample other places where mass crowds will attend. If, God forbid, I should find myself in the midst of a future tragic event and my life is stolen, well then so-be-it. I want to go out of this life and this earth with the power of living it. I want those who know me to know that I was not a girl who lived in fear. Even if such a tragic event should take my life, I will go happily, knowing that I lived a fearless, loving life.

II Timothy 1:7 For God has not given us the spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

Thankful for another beautiful sunrise and another day on this earth.

God bless the victims and the families of victims on that sad day in history.