"Search me, O God, and know my heart, try me and know my thoughts."
-Psalm 139:23
This past year-and-a-half has been one of the most turbulent and tumultuous years of my life full of uncertainty and doubt. In the last 18 months, I've gone through failed relationships, moved back to the city, commuted 120 miles a day, began a new job (which has been less than ideal, & making me miss the office I left), dealt with the marking of 10 years since my mother's death; and on top of all that just trying to maintain some sense of normalcy while dealing with the every day pressures of this world has caused me to feel at times like I'm really going off the deep end. But when I take a step back, and look at the timeline of my life, I can't really say that this year has really been much more dynamic that any other year. I mean, if I'm being honest, this has been the pattern that I've assumed for my life since the day I moved out of Lamar. But why has it seemed so much harder? The only thing I can think of, is the only obvious answer. And it has been staring hard at me for quite some time, I just refused to acknowledge it.
Somehow, along the way and much to my dismay, I've lost my faith. And it breaks my heart to admit that, but it's the truth. Now, it's not at all that I've lost my faith in God, or even the principles that I've always believed in and held on to as truth; it's just that somehow along the way I've just stopped putting my faith into practice. I started to become disgusted with the hypocrites all around me, preaching one thing and practicing another....I was so sick of it all, and I didn't want to be like that. I slowly stopped going to church, I got 'too busy' to read my Bible, I stopped surrounding myself with people of similar faith, and began getting too involved in worldy things. I tried to buy into the lie that "I don't need to sit in a pew every Sunday to have a relationship with God" (and while that may be true to a certain extent, I clearly wasn't strong enough to be the exception to the rule). I slowly but surely, got further and further away from the path of righteousness, that I've almost forgotten what it was like to be in grace of God.
I never wanted to be labeled as a "close-minded, judgmental, hypocritical Christian", and I think that that fear allowed me to get too far away, and ultimately the only one fooled was myself. Just to be clear, I am aware of all my faults and shortcomings, and I don't want to be looked at as an example of what a "good christian" should be. Because that fact of the matter is, I cuss like a sailor, I drive like a bat out of hell, and I just like to do what I want to do, when I want to do it! And sadly, I got so wrapped up in my own stubborn ways, that slowly I've let God slip into the back seat, and lately, I don't even think I let him back in the car at the last stop. But Praise the Lord, He has never left me. Even when I haven't allowed Him to be an active part of my life, He was still always there, waiting for me, welcoming me back into His arms. And I realize that so much now....Just how much I need Him. How much better my life was, when I spoke with Him every day. How little my problems seemed to be, and in general, how much happier I was with Him in my heart. Oh, how I've missed that. The days when nothing could get me down. So I've made the decision: not only do I need to get right with God, I
want to get right with God. My heart desires nothing more. Just like the prodigal son, I am returning home to my Father's house, and I am so thankful that He welcomes me back and loves me. I am so thankful that His mercies are new every morning, and that every day I get another chance to try and get it right!
This weekend, I spent so much time with God, and I enjoyed every minute of it. I let praise & worship music fill my home, I found a wonderful church that I'm excited to make my regular house of worship, and I really dug into the word. Last night, I happened upon a scripture, and it particularly spoke to me:
Mark 4:14-20 NIV
-"The Farmer sows the word. Some people are like seed along the path where the word is sown. As soon as they hear it, Satan comes and takes away the word that was sown in them. Others, like seed sown on rocky places, hear the word and at once receive it with joy. But since they have no root, they last only a short time. When trouble or persecution comes because of the word, they quickly fall away. Still others, like seeds sown among thorns, hear the word, but the worries of this life, the deceitfulness of wealth and the desires for other things come in and choke the word, making it unfruitful. Others, like seed sown on good soil, hear the word, accept it, and produce a crop - - thirty, sixty, or even a hundred times what was sown."
As soon as I read this passage, I couldn't help but picture myself as both the rocky soil and the thorny soil. I know I haven't entirely turned my back on God, and in past months when I would get the desires to praise Him, and receive His word, unfortunately, I was not good soil so no fruit was produced. I want to be the good soil! It is my desire to live a life wholly devoted to serving my God. I want to become pure again. I want to become
kind again. I want to walk in love and light, and I want people to look at me and say to themselves, "there's something different about that girl." I want to be able to rest my anxious thoughts, and know beyond a doubt that even if the world goes to hell in a hand basket, I'm okay, because my heavenly father loves me, and He will care for me. It won't happen over night, and I know I'll stumble all along the way, but I will get back on the path, and I will welcome any encouragement along the way :)
-just me and my thoughts.
blessings&love.
